One last chance to see the Official AFU position on smileys

The latest round of the smiley debate has managed to take some of the joy out of reading AFU. No novel arguments for tolerating smileys were introduced and it has just degenerated into a pissing contest. One thing should be obvious to anyone following the debate is that emoticons are unwelcome on AFU and their use on AFU will continue to be discouraged. We should all get back to castigating newbies and members of AOL and generally engaging in the behavior that makes alt.folklore.urban so much fun.

Since this my page, I'll indulge myself in getting in the last word. Most of the anti-emoticon arguments revolve around the proper use of English. There is one argument that I find particularly wrong-headed:

I don't mind smileys on AFU because (as a linguist in training) I know that there are significant grammatical differences between spoken language and written language, and I believe that Usenet and other computer-mediated communications constitute a new "mode" of expression, and can therefore be expected to follow different rules. Some day I hope to write a thesis on the way smileys (and other pseudoprosodic devices) are used in Usenet and e-mail. (I know Swift didn't use them. Then again, Swift didn't even have a net connection.)

I don't buy the technology makes a new means of expression argument. Does Swift mean something else when displayed on a Web page or printed on a laser printer? Yes, technology does change language but by changing the population with means of expression. The standards of proper English may change to fit the standards of this new population but not necessarily so.

Comments from the poll

• I loathe smileys on AFU because they suck.
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because I just don't care.
• I encourage smileys on AFU because their kewl!
• I loathe smileys on AFU because I loathe smileys
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are tacky. 
• I encourage smileys on AFU because i feel people shouldn't be influenced by usenet-fascists. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because ...now wait a minute, this was supposed to be a *vote*! Who said anything about an interrogation?> If I wanted to spend time composing a carefully-worded rationale for the use or avoidance of sm*leys, I'd have already gone ahead and jumped into the interminable debate back on Usenet. In any case, the posts at http://www.urbanlegends.com/afu/smileys/ say it far better than I ever could have. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because smileys are for whinging knock-kneed pussy-footing lame unimaginative creativity-challenged unthinking crutch-using sarcasm-impaired creepy space-wasting muzak-listening unable-to-stand-behind-their-own-words bad-taste no-clue unable-to-communicate-clearly inarticulate too-cute-by-half atrophied-sense-of-humor childish piddling uninteresting can't-think-of-anything-better-to-say not-worth-my-time not-trying-to-stretch-themselves pointless-post-making sledgehammer-wit-wielded-by-an-eight-year-old-comedian mental useless ineffectual weenerbrane weasel-speaking adolescent rec.humor-appreciating flame-inviting weedy mouth-breathing hydrocephalic probably-posts-"me too"-also nudge-nudge-wink-wink primate-humor disheartening moronic silly trivial ignorant-of-afu-culture uncaring newbie dopey ridiculous can't-take-a-little-heat-so-they-cry-foul-instead cringing who's-Swift-anyway-and-why-didn't-he-need-smileys vacuous no-dictionary-owning no-time-taking lacklustre this-had-better-count-for-a-couple-of-votes-at-least ugly no-one-is-making-you-post-to-afu-so-why-are-you-bitching can't-write-emotion-so-uses-smileys-instead twit. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because smileys are for "whinging knock-kneed pussy-footing lame unimaginative creativity-challenged unthinking crutch-using sarcasm-impaired creepy space-wasting muzak-listening unable-to-stand-behind-their-own-words bad-taste no-clue unable-to-communicate-clearly inarticulate too-cute-by-half atrophied-sense-of-humor childish piddling uninteresting can't-think-of-anything-better-to-say not-worth-my-time not-trying-to-stretch-themselves pointless-post-making sledgehammer-wit-wielded-by-an-eight-year-old-comedian mental useless ineffectual weenerbrane weasel-speaking adolescent rec.humor-appreciating flame-inviting weedy mouth-breathing hydrocephalic probably-posts-"me too"-also nudge-nudge-wink-wink primate-humor disheartening moronic silly trivial ignorant-of-afu-culture uncaring newbie dopey ridiculous can't-take-a-little-heat-so-they-cry-foul-instead cringing who's-Swift-anyway-and-why-didn't-he-need-smileys vacuous no-dictionary-owning no-time-taking lacklustre this-had-better-count-for-a-couple-of-votes-at-least ugly no-one-is-making-you-post-to-afu-so-why-are-you-bitching can't-write-emotion-so-uses-smileys-instead *twits*," I meant to say. Sorry. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because They Suck
• I loathe smileys on AFU because They seem to provide some sort of "magic shield" so that anyone can say any insulting, obnoxious thing, and then the target of such abuse is accused of having no sense of humor when s/he objects, and it is pointed out that a smiley was appended. That just makes it worse, I think.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they suck.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because Different strokes for different folks. BUT, I won't use them where they aren't welcome, either 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are destroying the English language. Do people in other countries use smileys? I don't know. Careless people who don't bother to punctuate, capitalize or write in complete sentences should be destroyed. No one who flames me would dare do it to my face. The hype will all die soon. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are for mouth-breathing, lazy-minded, literacy-challenged, clueless, inarticulate, mentally torpid turds. Or for counter- dependent, loud, noisy, obnoxious, look-at-me-I'm-being- NAUGHTY preadolescent biped arguments for euthanasia. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they negate a phrase's meaning, turn it upside down, inside out, and leave the reader in semantic anarchy. And they suck.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because smileys are a crutch that encourages bad writing in this 'froup. AFU is not alt.shaggy.dog.stories or alt.foaf or rec.humor.folklore. as such, we need to maintain higher standards. hopefully, this will contribute to an increase in the signal/noise ratio of the group.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because 1. People usem instead of words, which are so much more interesting. 2. People usem to make nasty remarks disguised as humor.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because AOL sends you some crap about how to use smileys when you first log on.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they're just plain bad. You don't cotton to 'em. You've got to whack them on the nose with the rolled-up newspaper of Good Writing. Bad dog! Bad dog!
• I loathe smileys on AFU because of most of the same reasons already posted by others. They are totally unnecessary and are also a distraction. I prefer to get my meaning from the unadorned text. A smiley is NOT a clear message. It is far too ambiguous in its possible meanings. It also reminds me of "Have a nice day", which is like scratching fingernails on a blackboard. I have even gone so far as to respond "Thanks, but I have other plans". Curiously enough "Have a good day" doesn't bother me at all.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because Because the local convention is that they not be used. Deliberately flaunting local mores and etiquitte is extraordinarily rude, whether one agrees with those conventions or not. Furthermore, arguing that said conventions are "wrong" or "stupid" is far ruder. -- A long-time lurker
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because it's a generally accepted convention, and there are too many other interesting things to argue about.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because to use them is to surrender in our battle against entropy.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because We have to make a stand somewhere. AFU is the last, best hope for intelligence on Usenet.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they encourage sloppy writing.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because afu is one of the few remaining bastions of non-smiley-use in the world today.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they show a lack of subtlety 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because their use is a crutch for poor writing. 
• I encourage smileys on AFU because I am a total moron. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because Floyd has been such a consistent jerk and all-around wanker in his attempted support of their use. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because the advocates of their use on afu (especially Floyd) have been so annoying that I vote against just because I don't want their type (the smileys or the posters) on my favorite newsfroup. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because As I've written many times before & am getting sick of reiterating, smileys are _bad writing_ when used in a serious context, and they don't come much seriouser than afu. Also they make it too easy to spot the jokes. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because It annoys people, and they start up these threads about 'em, and get really wound up that anal-retentives don't like their smiling little faces, then they cry. I hate 'em Well, whilst I'm here, can I plug my friends? 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they're a poor substitute for actual wit and/or linguistic skills. They serve either (a) to point out the humor of a joke not sufficiently funny to detect otherwise, or (b) to weasel out of some (inflammatory|idiotic|insulting) statement. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are pictures. Bad pictures. Pictures drawn by people with no imagination and less talent. Pictures that represent the wide set of emotions that may drift across an individual's face with the same stupendous dexterity as children shouting 'Nyaah" "Nyaah" in the playground. It may be that smiley users were brought up on comic books and graphic novels. It may be that they think all text should have a picture in. It may be that they haven't learned that hieroglyphics, pictograms and ideographs are subtler than they appear. No excuses! If they want pictures, let them learn how to draw. Examine the fine techniques in mediaeval manuscripts. Study mediaeval iconography. Then remember that all that was developed for people who couldn't read. Prove yourself literate. Despise smileys
• I loathe smileys on AFU because My neck hurts from reading them sideways
• I loathe smileys on AFU because their proponents on afu have shown deplorable lack of both basic politeness and basic writing ability; perhaps the use of smileys is in some way connected to this lack. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because smileys are just one more way that usenet is destroying the English language, along with the usenet community's inability to spell words like "its", "they're", "effect", "you're", etc. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because it is the custom of the froup that they not be used, and it is incredibly rude to enter a community and attempt to twist, pervert, and generally ruin its entire social structure.
• I encourage smileys on AFU because Usemet is not liturature, it is not journalism, its a conversation. in conversations, people express themselves with gestures and expressions. the same can be done on the Usenet without lowering the intellectual level.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because . . . look, I would NOT start an anti-smiley essay with "I loathe smileys because." I'd open with some bucolic metaphor-- I've already used the spider by my desk, so I can't very well do THAT again-- but I'd think of something. Maybe I'd use the dumbcane by my cube's window. I'd point out that plants don't need little signs hung from them explaining how important they are to the biosphere-- and that such signs are, in fact patronizing. I mention that communication, wit, and humor are much the same. Somebody who Misses the Point with regards to the photosynthetic importance of the grasses is not going to be helped by a little card that says "YOU DEPEND ON THESE GREEN THINGS, YOU MORON;" and if a plant is beautiful, the right people will understand. Admitted, the analogy is a little strained. The proponents of smileys aren't hanging their signs on dumbcane, or even a humble daisy-- they're bolting them the the modern sculptures that resemble nothing so much as a helicopter crash. The smiley makes unreasonable claims-- "I am being amusing," "I am being pleasingly ironic"-- when, in fact, the text which they accompany is worth so much radioactive wombat snot.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because Floyd and Wolf are such asses. I just to tolerate them.
• I encourage smileys on AFU because They provide a convenient way to detect posts not worth reading. Sort of like stipid .sigs, stupid handles, and AOL addresses.
• I encourage smileys on AFU because They make is easier for me to understand all the smart people like Harry. <p> <pre> -- ______ ---_ --__ __ -_ --_ (__) \ -_ | | _______\ \__________________| |_________ \ -----_\ \ __-----/\------| |------- / \\ \ --__/ | | | // \\ --__ | | // \\ --__| | // \\ -| |/ \\ ---__ \/ -_ / -_ / __--__ ((( =+= ) / __- \\ --___ ___---vvvvvvv--~ /___--- \\ --____--_=__vVVVWWWWW _----------____-- ~-----^ / _------- // /---/ // /---/ \\ // /---/ \\ // /---/ \ / /___/ ImaLooser@aol.com </pre>
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are incredibly annoying. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because their use is a sign of poor writing. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because non-balanced delimiters drive me insane. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because Floyd has been making such a general jerk of himself. I used to not mind smileys, but Floyd's pathetic arguments have made my stomach churn, and cause smileys to nauseate me whenever I see them now. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are an attempt to excuse inability to communicate humor or sarcasm through proper use of English.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because there are many forums more appropriate for the use of smileys than afu. Afu has a longstanding custom forbidding their use, and it is extremely rude to violate this custom.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are the refuge of borderline illiterates like Floyd Davidson. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because Floyd davidson likes them.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because their proponents have failed to demonstrate that they (yes, that antecedent is deliberately vague/misplaced) have any value on afu.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they look horrible in my newsreader's default font anyway.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because I loathe the little buggers because the great unwashed masses have arrived at the insane conclusion that tacking a smiley onto the tail end of what they perceived to be a witicism actually transforms it into one. Stuff is funny or it's not, and all the little smiley faces in the world won't fool anyone into mistaking a generic clueless wanker for a Len Berlind. I also like my venom the same way I like my vodka -- unwatered. Tossing a smiley in after a venomous statement is a despicable act of mugwumping, neither fish nor foul.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they lower the SNR of the group (which is already far too low)
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are the spawn of the devil on the face of this fair Earth -- DEATH TO THE SMILEY!! (this ad has been brought to you by the Democratic People's Army of Language Liberation).
• I encourage smileys on AFU because their great and there rilly kool ways of being iin with all the wunderfil kool things on the net which is just kool and radical and stuff coz it's new and kool and hip and everrione is just going how kool it is so it must be coz everione kant be rong and aol likes thems kool
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are despicable example of the inanity that is sweeping all forms of communication. They are the Usenet version of the terrible sitcom that is so unfunny it needs to have 'laugh-now' prompts. A smiley is just a way of trying to excuse an inability to actually use words to form a message, and get inserted in such a scatter-gun manner as to render them useless. They don't *say* anything, just pass a general glow of cluelessness over a post. Anyway, I just voted 'yes' to take the piss, so I've got to off-set that now; and, of course, I also wanted people to play the "guess who wrote *this* contrib- ution" game with my stuff as well. -- Herbert Nogpin
• I loathe smileys on AFU because the two founding assumptions of a culture like afu's are that (1) we're all friends here and (2) we reserve the right to withdraw friendship from anyone acting like an idiot. A smiley is redundant if you're making sense (because of 1) and won't help you if you're not (because of 2). However, 'loathe' is a bit strong...
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they lend a cringing quality to otherwise fine writing, they lend an extra little stab of annoyance to otherwise idiotic writing, and because they want me to smile back at them, the little fuckers.
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because y'all need to get a life!
• I loathe smileys on AFU because I prefer literacy.
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because Not all readers of AFU are native english readers. The addition of emoticons can make the jokes easier to get. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because their use contributes nothing worthwhile.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because I hate smileys passionately.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are a crutch for poor writers who can't indicate sarcasm through more subtle means.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because we have been able to communicate humor without them for years, and there's no reason why our writing ability should drop so dramatically now.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because it is perfectly possible to get one's sarcastic tone across without resorting to such crutches.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because their supporteds have failed to show one good reason why they are important enough to warrant destroying the atmosphere of one of the few remaining smiley-free zones.
• I encourage smileys on AFU because Get with the now, man.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because I don't get them.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because I wear a neckbrace and can't turn my head sideways.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they're used to cover up a complete and utter lack of writing skills. I particularly loathe noseless smileys and BLINKING SMILEYS!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are simply annoying. They remind me of the girl in seventh grade who would say insulting things with a smile on her face. Is that the level of discourse that we want to foster on AFU?
• I loathe smileys on AFU because Because their there! So there!
• I encourage smileys on AFU because they annoy people. <BLINK><BOLD>:-):-):-):-):-)</BOLD></BLINK> 
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because 8-|
• I loathe smileys on AFU because ignorance is no excuse
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they really suck. Not only alt.folklore.urban, but also all of Usenet. They are just way lame and insult the intelligence of the reader (and the writer!).
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because ...well actually I just wanted to distribute this: Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are against the tradition of the froup.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they are a crutch for those without the brains to communicate humor any other way.
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because They can be useful for expressing nuances. Can't say I care much either way, though, as long as the Thread That Won't Die goes away.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they provide no useful content.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they look hideous in this font.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they tend to generate long, tedious threads from people who want to destroy the froup's culture.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because the 9 supporters of their use have been extremely rude in their assumption that the group should change to suit them, despite its longstanding tradition.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because [insert very good reason here]
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they lower the SNR of AFU.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they encourage bad writing.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because the people whining that they want to use them have shown just how annoying they can be.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because AFU is a community, and smileys are not (and <strong>should not be</strong>) any part of that community.
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because they're not as annoying as this flame war seem to be.
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because (as a linguist in training) I know that there are significant grammatical differences between spoken language and written language, and I believe that Usenet and other computer-mediated communications constitute a new "mode" of expression, and can therefore be expected to follow different rules. Some day I hope to write a thesis on the way smileys (and other pseudoprosodic devices) are used in Usenet and e-mail. (I know Swift didn't use them. Then again, Swift didn't even have a net connection.)
• I loathe smileys on AFU because it's nice to have <i>one</i> place on Usenet that is smiley-free.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because their overuse impoverishes written discourse, much as the term "sucks" does verbal discourse. Also, they confuse emac's parenthesis matcher.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because of all the reasons so eloquently stated by the hats. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because I am a victim of groupthink. That, plus the fact that I find them really annoying, and find that since beginning to read afu, my tolerance for them, already low, has plummeted. I have seen the future, and it involves the use of parentheses in matched pairs, as God intended. Smileys suck---read it, know it, live it, like it. One parenthesis bad, two parentheses good. Thank you for your time.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because 1) they aren't necessary, if you're able to string a coherent argument together; 2) the group is what it is because it doesn't use them 3) I don't use them in my daily work as a journalist 4) You don't get them in debates on the radio, so clearly you can have a sensible argument, and be witty, and sarcastic, and ironic, without the damn things.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because 88% of responders also loath smileys and I'm too stupid to have my own opinion all by myself.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because there's a colon shortage and smileys just make it worse.
• I loathe smileys on AFU because I agree with the Old Hats that the use of smileys is a cop-out, and their non-use can promote better writing, which is more enjoyable to read as well as more communicative.
• I don't mind smileys on AFU because Given afu's cold-shoulder-to-all-but-the-"in"-crowd policy, it would be nice to see a kind face every now and then! There are more uses for smileys than punctuation for sarcastic remarks or crutches for poorly worded jokes -- sometimes the writer just wants to be friendly. Go figure!
• I loathe smileys on AFU because they remind me of that obnoxious little smiley face. While anything that preternaturally cheerful must be the unfortunate victim of a prefrontal lobotomy and so deserving of pity, I say let us do it a kindness and put it out of its (and our) misery. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because 1. They are unecessary 2. Those who use them, and especially those who defend them eventually prove themselves to be the type of folks who can improve the signal/noise ratio simply by being killfiled by a majority of readers. 3. Those who use them will be killfiled by me. Don't like that? Too bad. 
• I loathe smileys on AFU because only the semi-literate need to flag humour or irony with a special sign.