Characters (the actors listed are just a guide to their personalities):
The Hero Bruce Campbell The Princess Daphne Zuniga (as Princess Vespa from Spaceballs) The Overlord Ming the Merciless type or The Monarch from Venture Brothers The Guard Captain ??? Maybe Patrick Warburton (more Puddy and The Tick, less Brock Samson)
The set-up:
This is towards the middle, where the Overlord has caputured the Princess, and is about to have the Hero eliminated. To break her will, or something like that.
Yes, having the princess captured and not killed immediately breaks some of the evil overlord rules, which will be talked about before this scene.
The Overlord turns on a viewer so that he and the Princess can watch the demise of the Hero at a safe distance. (See, he's following at least some of the rules.)
The viewer shows the Hero and the Guard Captain fighting with laser swords near a perilous cliff.
Overlord (incredulous): Wait a minute. What the heck is he doing?
The Overlord opens up a voice channel. The communicator on the Guard Captain's belt bleeps, and he makes a 'T' with his hands to indicate a timeout. The Hero nods, and goes to a guard position with his sword up.
Guard Captain (answering the communicator, cherily): Yes sire!
Overlord: Why are you fighting the Hero with laser swords? You have a blaster, and he doesn't. Just shoot him!
Guard Captain: But sire, he's really good. I haven't faced this level of swordsmanship in a long time. But don't worry sire, I think I can best him myself.
Overlord: I'm not interested in who's the better swordsman, just results. Shoot him now.
Guard Captain: Aw come on! I never get to have any fun anymore.
Overlord (Adopts a pained look. Pauses. Starting again with a different tack.): Alright, here's the deal. If you shoot him now, maybe I'll order you a couple of those Orion slave girls you're always talking about.
Guard Captain: Really, you'd do that for me?
Overlord: Yes I would. Not that I understand it. The green skin of those slave girls really turns me off. Yuck.
Hero: Oh, that doesn't matter as soon as you get to know them. They know how to please a man. Trust me on this.
Hero and Guard Captain share a knowing smile with each other.
Princess (grabs the microphone): What a minute: You said you were going to Orion to open up a new trading routes for my father.
Overlord (looks puzzled): To Orion? That doesn't make any sense. Everyone knows that you have to talk with the Spacing Guild on Sirius first. They are the ones who make all the ...
Princess (interrupts): You said you were visiting the the Ministry of 'Foreign Relations'.
At this point, the volume coming from the communicator has increased to the point where the Guard Captian has to hold it at arm's length. The Guard Captain is starting to cringe. The Hero is looking confused.
Overlord (shakes his head): They don't have a parliamentary form of government either. The regional governors, who are really just frontmen for the guild, form a legislature...
Princess (interrupts): Oh, and all those 'bribes' you had to pay to get 'personal access' to the 'local officials'.
Overlord: I've never heard of the governors taking bribes. Why, if the guild caught wind of that, they'd revoke...
Princess (interrupts): And you said that you had to stay a couple days for 'extra negotiations', because it was a 'ticklish situation'. I bet it was!
Overlord: Actually, negotiations with the trade factors are usually quite simple. They mostly want...
Hero (accepts the comm unit from the guard captain, and looking embarrased/abashed): What? Hey baby, is that you?
Princess: Yes, it's me you bastard! I can't believe that, after all we've been through, you'd just go off to have a fling with some green-skinned slave girl behind my back.
Hero: Aw come on! It didn't mean anything. We were just having a little fun. I still love you. Really. Besides, those slave girls are a different species. So technically, that's not really cheating on you, right?
Princess: (inarticulate cry) Kill him! Kill him!
Overlord (focusing back on the conversation): Yes. Shoot him. Shoot him now!
Guard Captain (pulls out blaster): Sorry buddy.
Hero: I understand. Once you've had green, it is hard going back.
Scene ends.
There's going to be a lot more, but I'm not sure when I'll get around to writing the rest of it.