MSTing by Joe Merlino, Host Segments by Andy Bell
Mike: Oh hi, Crow. Where's Servo? I just taped the latest _Baywatch_ for him, and I know he'll want to see ...
Crow: (interrupting in a high, whiny, mocking voice) Where's Servo? You didn't fill Servo with substandard parts, did you Old Man? Noooo, that honor was bestowed upon me.
Mike: What are you talking about, Crow? You're both filled with substandard parts, and I didn't build either of you.
Crow: (in a sing-song voice) Often Wrong Mike's got a broken heart - can't even tell his boys apart. Well I've knocked Servo out, Old Man, and now that emotions chip is MINE!
Mike: Crow, would you can it with the NextGen fixation? You look nothing alike, I'm not old, and you're _not_ my boys. You're not even androids, for crissake.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 10 seconds, Dr. Soong.
Crow: (singing and using something in his "thumb" to dematerialize)
The sons of the prophets are hardy and bold And quite unaccustomed to fear, But of all the most reckless of life or of limb Was Abdul the Bulbul Ameer
Mike: And no beaming back to the Pakled ship!
Magic Voice: Commerical sign now.
Mike: You're not supposed to.
Gypsy: (entering and noticing flashing lights) Heads up, you two. Boyce and Hart are calling.
(Deep 13 is filled with broadcasting equipment. Frank is DJing while Dr. F is standing next to a huge shelf full of new country CD's.)
Dr. F: Been letting your little proteges watch too much TV again, Nishwash? Frank and I haven't had time to prepare anything for the umbilicus because we've been working on a little promo campaign for our radio station, "Frank."
Frank: (into the mike) Wynona!
Dr. F: It's based on those Dewar's Scotch ads - you know, the ones which go for the soft sell by saying things like, "Your tastes have changed," and "It really won't make you gag if you'll just try it."
Frank: I can keep it down most of the time now.
Dr. F: We're using that technique to subtly promote "Frank": "Listen to 'Frank' - hearing damage is minimal," and "Turn Your Crank to 'Frank' - it's not quite as sickening as Rush Limbaugh." What do you think, Benny and Bjorn?
Mike: We'll stick with NPR.
Dr. F: I don't suppose you wingnuts have come up with anything to send us?
Mike: We can't - Gypsy still feels sick from swallowing Servo during The Creeping Terror.
Frank: Oh no, we're out of Reba!
Dr. F: Do you at least have an Invention Exchange?
Crow: (reappearing as if nothing had happened) As a matter of fact, we do. Ever have anything shocking, difficult, or just plain awkward to tell a friend, coworker, boss, family member, or loved one? They might go ballistic, or they might be perfectly fine about it - you just never know!
Mike: Well, now you can take the mystery out of those "Sit down, I have something to tell you" moments with the Response Predictor - perfect for affairs, coming outs, breakups, or any occasion where you just wish you knew what was going to happen.
Tom: Competing products try to guess your subject's reaction by adding up such factors as their beliefs, personality, and previous history of dealing with shock, but the Response Predictor is truly different.
Mike: The Response Predictor uses the capricious, potentially universe-altering power of time travel to actually make a brief, barely-noticed trip forward in time to accurately gage your subject's response to your news.
Crow: For example, Frank, if you were to tell Dr. F about all that embezzlement you've been doing, you should be out of intensive care in only three weeks!
Tom: And Dr. F, if you were to just tell Frank that you only kill him so often because you really ...
Dr. F: (interrupting) Thank you, Nesmeyer! Your posting this week is an unpalatable little excerpt from a 1950's Canadian Home Economics text which makes Young Man's Fancy look like a radical feminist tract. Let's see if you can keep this one down, Mr. Schneider! Send them the posting, Frank.
Frank: (ignoring him) Brooks and Dunn!
Dr. F: Four weeks in intensive care, Frank.
(Frank sends the posting)
Mike, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy: (alarms, pandemonium, etc.) Ohhhh, we got posting sign!
> THE FASCINATING WOMANHOOD WAY TO WELCOME A MAN WHEN HE COMES HOME > FROM WORK
Tom: As opposed to the Rampaging Manhood way...
Mike: ...or the Carefree Childhood way...
Crow: ...or the United Way
M & T: Huh?
>GET YOUR WORK DONE: Plan your tasks with an eye of the clock.
Tom: (singing) It's the eye of the Timex...
>Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your >anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm. >welcome
Crow: The crack of a bullwhip, on the other hand...
>HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before to have a >delicious meal, on time.Tom: Remember - hungry man is angry man.
>This is a way of letting him know that you >have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.Mike: Your needs, of course, aren't worth a cup of spit. Learn to ignore them until they become a festering sinkhole of raw hate.
>Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a >good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.Tom: Remember to keep your hands at least two feet away from the man's mouth during feeding.
>PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be >refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to >see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be >glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in.Mike: For he is the source of your identity.
>While you are resting you can be thinking about your F.W. >assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his >spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. >Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh >looking.Crow: Dress in Saran Wrap and high heels - guys love that.
>He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.Tom: But, of course, you'd know nothing about that.
>Be a little gayMike: ... because lesbianism turns guys on
>and a little more interesting.Tom: ...than you really are.
>His boring day may need a lift.Crow: ...which is why God created booze.
>CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip through the main part >of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up >school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and >put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a >dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has >reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift >too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him >know that you care and have planned for this homecoming.Tom: It's important to let your man know that he is the only thing you ever think about. Draw pictures of him. Write his name over and over on a piece of paper.
>PREPARE THE CHILDREN:Crow: For their daily beating at the hands of a desolate, drunken brute.
>Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces >(if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change theirCrow: soiled
>clothes. They are little treasures and he would like toTom: Bury them.
>see themMike: Cower at his arrival.
>look the part. >MINIMIZE ALL NOISE:Tom: Turn *down* that Bikini Kill album.
>Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush >hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of >washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum.Mike: All household activities must cease at the arrival of the man. All attention must focus upon him, for the man is holy and the home environment exists to please him and him alone.
>Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their >father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get >it out of their system.Crow: Let the little dickenses go nuts. Your nerves are expendable!
>BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM: Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to >see him.Crow: Whether you actually are or not.
>Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day >worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now.Mike: Submit to sex, no matter how perverse, even if it repulses you.
>SOME DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve >the problems you can before he gets home and save those you >must discuss with him until later in the evening. Also, don't >complain if he is late for dinner.Tom: He probably just stopped off to meet the prostitute he patronizes on a regular basis.
>Count this as a minor problem when compared withCrow: The beating that will probably result if you ask him about it.
>what he might have gone through that day. Don't allow the >children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them >to briefly greet their father but save demands for later. >MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Have him lean back into a comfortable chair >or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm >drink ready for him.Crow: Booze will decrease his coordination and reaction time, which may allow for a crucial avenue of escape.
>Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders >and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on >music if it is one of his pleasures.Mike: We recommend P.J. Harvey.
>Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - >to unwind. >LISTEN TO HIM:Tom: Even though he is a crashing bore.
>You may have a dozen things to tell him,Crow: Inconsequential things like the house being on fire.
>but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk >first, then he will be a more responsive listener later. >MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to >dinner or to other places of entertainment.Mike: Accept your mind-numbingly dull, hum-drum existence as penance for the sin of having been born a woman.
>Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his >need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, >never fight back.Crow: Submit cheerfully to the beatings that he gleefully metes out
>Again, try to understand his world of strain. >THE GOAL: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where >your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.Mike: After all, you do exist to serve him.
>Then add to this the application of all the principles of > Fascinating WomanhoodTom: Such as the principle of control through withholding sex.
>and your husband **will want to come home** He will rather be >with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend >whatever time he can possibly spareCrow: Tying you to the bedposts with silk scarves.
>with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and >see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side,Crow: Whereas calling "heel" may not always work.
>not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation.Mike: Of course, it does help to have an electric kitchen.
(Mike and Crow are standing on the SOL bridge looking slightly dazed by the experiment)
Crow: Wow. And I thought The Home Economics Story was disturbing.
Mike: If that was Canadian family life, now I know why the Kids in the Hall hate their fathers so much.
Crow: One thing that baffles me, though, Mike ... When did the world change?
Mike: What do you mean?
Crow: Well, in most of the experiments we do, everyone's kind of the same, but now there are all kinds of people. When did the the big switch occur? When did the world stop being all straight, white, and WASPy?
Mike: It didn't, Crow - the world has always been diverse, and that's become more apparent as people get increasingly fed up with invisibility. The 50's and 60's produced so much propaganda because conformity has to be constantly reinforced.
Crow: I'm sure glad no one takes that kind of stuff seriously anymore ... where's Servo, anyway?
Tom (offscreen): Gypsy, I'm back from the experiment! Where's my martini?
Gypsy (offscreen): Forget it, Tom! Fix it yourself.
Tom (offscreen): But what about the principles of Fascinating Robothood? Don't you at least have a little pillow for me? And why aren't you wearing Saranwrap?
(cue offscreen sound of Gypsy doing something violent to Tom)
Tom (offscreen): But Gypsy, try to understand my world of strain and pressure!
Gypsy (offscreen): Understand *this*, Tom!
(Tom, once again looking groggy and disoriented, joins the others on the SOL bridge)
Tom: Gypsy sure packs a wallop for someone with no arms. If only I could find a woman like the one described in today's experiment ...
Mike: You don't really want to do that, Tom.
Tom: Why not?
Mike: Well, first of all, it's wrong, and second, a relationship like that would ultimately be hollow and emotionally unfulfilling.
Tom: But think of the backrubs and martinis, guys. I'm going to see if Gypsy has dinner ready ...
Crow: Mike, we've got to stop Tom from acting like this - if Gypsy kills him I won't have anyone to play Magic with.
Mike: I know, but how to convince him ...
Crow: Cue rocket #9, Cambot! We've got visitors coming in on the hexfield viewscreen.
(shot of a spaceship which looks remarkably like a kitchen)
(shot of the hexfield viewscreen opening to show two young women in late 50's/early 60's fashions)
Mike: Judy and Sarafina! I didn't know you two knew each other, though I can't really say I'm surprised.
Sarafina (giggling - in fact, we can save a lot of space if we assume that Judy and Sarafina are giggling throughout the conversation): I'm her henchman!
Judy: We're here looking for real men, but you two look like a couple of book gooks! Is there anyone else?
Crow: Sorry, we're all book gooks here. Why don't you go search near a black hole ...
Mike (interrupting): Wait, we do have just the guy for you.
Crow: Huh? Who?
Mike (giving Crow a meaningful glare): Why Tom Servo, of course. He's the ginchiest!
Crow: (catching on): Oh. Right. That Tom Servo is one hunk of a guy. Folks around here call him "Tommy Gun."
Judy and Sarafina (shrieking): Ooooooooh!
Mike: Here he is now.
Tom (looking even worse for the wear): Boy, I guess Gypsy meant it when she refused to make dinner. What's going on here?
Crow: This is Judy and Sarafina, Tom. They're looking for a real man who they can really cater too.
Tom (feeling too full of himself to recognize them from the experiments): Saaaaaaaay! You ladies have come to the right place.
Judy: You're a dream!
Mike: And he can sing, too, Sarafina.
Crow: That's right - you should hear his "Ave Maria."
Sarafina: Where's your hotel room?
Mike: And he knows about electricity and everything - he can even use light switches!
Judy: Golly, I'm so impressed!
Sarafina: I love you. Are we married now?
Sarafina: Married - I'm your one true love, aren't I? Don't you remember saying so?
Tom: But I just met you ...
Judy: And I don't know what I'll do if I can't make an electric dinner for you every night. You've got it, and I want it!
Tom: (getting nervous) Um, I just remembered that Full House is on. I'll just duck out for a moment here ...
(Tom hovers away as fast as he can)
Sarafina: He's gone to fight Nazis on the moon!
Judy: He'll be back for my chilled pineapple juice!
Crow: Yes, but if you don't want to wait, I hear there are a couple of super cool daddy-o's right near us in Deep 13.
Judy: Let's go marry them!
Sarafina: I'm really happy now.
(the Kitchen Ship departs at top speed for Deep 13)
Mike: What do you think, sirs?
(shot of Deep 13 with Dr. F in foreground and Judy and Sarafina yawning in background while Frank shows them his comic books)
Dr. F: We can't talk now. Frank and I are on a date ...
(Dr. F pushes the button. Cue theme music overlaid with Frank describing comic books and Judy and Sarafina trying to be polite).