Usenet Oracularity #791-07
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 95 12:25:57 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #791-07
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O great Oracle,
> whose stamina exceeds that of a 1000 MCI telemarketers,
> whose wisdom exceeds all of Microsoft upper level management combined,
> whose intelligence is that of 500 crack CIA agents,
> whose might is greater than that of Janet Reno and 50 BATF agents,
> who can make recalcitrant computers work just by glaring at them,
> who could type from memory the binary codes representing the latest
> Linux kernel if he *really* needed to ...
>
> I ask you humbly:
>
> I just received a warning about the GOOD TIMES VIRUS, and I just
> downloaded a whole bunch of files from a BBS whose promo said
> ``For a GOOD TIME try out this BBS''. Even worse, I had a GOOD TIME
> accessing the BBS, and I had a GOOD TIME downloading the files!
> What am I going to do? I turned off my computer as soon as I read
> the warning and am now cowering in terror in the corner wondering
> what to do. Is my whole computer ruined now? Can I save any of
> my data? My boss is going to be pissed if I lose this disk, as I
> have a month's worth of work on it. I could also lose a gigantic
> list I got personally from Patricia Eng representing thousands of
> magazines I can make a ton of money selling! I'm really going to
> need that money if I get fired.
>
> Help!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yep, you better believe it. THe GOOD TIMES virus wreaks havoc on your
} hard disk (like my alliteration?) by nybbling files, byting
} applications, and forcing your computer to repeating, "STEEEMPY, YOU
} ARE AN EEDIOT!" endlessly. However, there is a quick and easy solution
} to this menacing problem. Proceed as follows:
}
} 1. Boot up your computer while simultaneously holding down the <ESC>
} <RETURN> <CAPS LOCK> <SHIFT> <CONTROL> <OPTION> <ALT> <DELETE>
} <COMMAND> <HELP> and <SCROLL LOCK> keys (whichever ones are present
} on your keyboard should do fine)
}
} 2. Log on to your Net account and download all the dirty pictures you
} can find. This should distract the virus, giving it something to nybble
} on while you do the dirty work purifying your disk.
}
} 3. Delete all files containing the words "good", "times", or both. Or
} neither. Except for the obscene photos.
}
} 4. The virus is still present on your hard disk, but it will never
} bother you again as long as it has its pornography to nybble on. Your
} floppy disks aren't so lucky. You must purify them by passing horseshoe
} magnets over each and every one of them. This kills off the virus's
} food and prevents it from thriving on your floppies. To make sure the
} floppies stay that way, attach a large magnet to your computer's floppy
} drive.
}
} 5. If you own any CD-ROMS, take a sharp instrument and inscribe a
} drawing of John Norstad onto the bottom surface of each disk. This
} scares off the virus.
}
} You're all set and virus-free...until you receive your next e-mail
} message, that is. Since any message may contain a stronger strain of
} the virus, you must make sure you repeat the whole procedure then
} You owe the Oracle a virus that wipes out all traces of stupidity from
} the infected computer- or for that matter, from its user.
}
} Oracle incarnated as <t1kchevalier@wellesley.edu>
Last Modified : February 15, 1999
Heather Garvey / raven@xnet.com